What is REALLY Behind Your Stepchild's Behavior?

Do you love to read? I usually have a few books going at once, and I recently picked up The Next Conversation by Jefferson Fisher. I’m only 55 pages in, but I already have so many insights I want to share with you! The book reads like a chat with a wise friend—casual, yet full of practical wisdom.

One quote in particular stopped me in my tracks:

“The person you see isn’t the person you’re talking to.” (pg. 30)

It immediately brought to mind a couple I coached not long ago. Let's call them the

Johnson family: Lucas, his daughter Sarah, and his new wife (and Sarah’s stepmom), Anne. (All names have been changed for privacy.)

Anne had done everything she could think of to connect with her stepdaughter—she planned fun activities, gave her space, showed up with kindness—but Sarah still responded with a cool, sometimes disrespectful attitude. Lucas saw it too. He knew Anne was trying and felt just as confused.

I asked about Sarah’s relationship with her mom.

Aside from the occasional pre-teen mood swings (if you’ve parented a tween, you know the struggle!), there wasn’t much tension. But here’s where that quote came into play.

Lucas and Anne were seeing a “moody, rude, preteen girl.”But the person they were actually talking to? A young girl caught in the emotional tug-of-war of loyalty binds.

When Lucas and Anne were dating, Sarah was warm and receptive. She even went shopping alone with Anne a few times. But everything shifted when Anne moved in and the couple got married.

Sarah pulled back. She resisted time with Anne and seemed distant. What changed?

Below the surface, Sarah’s internal conflict was growing. She worried that enjoying her time with Anne might hurt her mom’s feelings. It felt like a betrayal to bond with her stepmom.

On top of that, she didn’t fully trust the new family dynamic. Mom and Dad had made promises, too—and now they’re divorced. Would this new marriage last? Was it safe to let Anne in?

Picture an iceberg. What you see above the surface is just a tiny fraction of what’s underneath. Sarah’s attitude was the tip of the iceberg. Her deeper fears, questions, and emotions were hidden below.

This is so common in stepfamily life. Whether it’s your partner, stepchild, or child, what you see on the surface is rarely the full story.

Here’s what I encouraged Anne and Lucas to do, and maybe it’ll help you too:

When emotions rise, pause and ask:

1. What else might be going on beneath this behavior?

2. What could I discover if I got more curious and asked open-ended questions?

3. Am I willing to revisit this conversation with curiosity instead of frustration?

   
   

Remember: The person you see isn’t the person you’re talking to. There’s more beneath the surface—and when we look for it, we build stronger, more compassionate connections.

I’d love to hear your thoughts on this! Just hit reply and let me know what came up for you. Have questions about loyalty binds or stepfamily dynamics? Send those along too—I’m here for you.

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